October, Pumpkins, and new Ideas

Hey Everybody, Happy October.

Nothing really big is happening this month. There has been a resurgence of my playing Warhammer 40,000, which also means the inevitable poxes of pieces on my floor and bed. pits and pieces of guys everywhere and glue and paint on my hands. There will be pictures of pieces is various states of doneness coming I promise.

I also spent a day Helping a friend and his father transport his giant pumpkin to a local fair. It is the 1209.5 pound pumpkin in the back. It was an interesting experience, I met some cool, interesting people. By they way that pumpkin ended up coming in 5th or 6th place. My phone died and I didn't get a picture of the winner. But I was invited back for next year so I can guarantee I will get some more pictures.

Also for those of you who know that I sometimes write. There may be a couple of pieces of stories coming I have a couple ideas.stay tuned for me fleshing out the ideas. And as always thanks for reading

September, Memories, and a broken boy

I don’t always get this personal.  As a matter of fact I try to keep it kind of slightly impersonal.  And I didn't plan for this to be a post, but I said this was going to be a personal blog, and this is what is going on in my life at the moment. So huzzah …

Autumn is one of my favorite seasons. It finally starts to cool off, and for a fat guy like me, who is always hot that is a beautiful thing. And living in New England we are coming up on apple season. And nothing beats freshly pressed apple cider or a nice crisp apple. But getting thru September is always hard. My mood naturally slumps and I get depressed.

To those of you who actually know me, I promise you that, while I may not be okay right now, I will be soon.

We are coming up on the 20th anniversary of my dad’s death. And it still hurts. I still feel like that helpless 12 year old I was when he died. I…How long can someone grieve for loosing someone they barely knew? This year I was able to reconnect with my Aunts and uncles on my fathers side.  And I constantly hear how much I look like him or how much I act like him, and even that hurts.

You have to understand that my father spent most of my early life in prison. And what he did I still have no clue and it doesn't matter. I fight hard to hold the few memories of him that I have in my memory, and in my heart. But time marches forward and memories grow hazy and start to loose their sharpness. And that is a part of what depresses me. Happy memories, things I should be able to look back on and smile about are hazy. While the parts of my life that I wish I could forget are seared in my brain.

I grieve for the loss of my innocence,  because on that day my fragile world crumbled and has never been whole since. I hold in my heart an irrational longing for the chance to know my father, a child’s longing.


I have so many questions for my father. So many things I would love to know about him, my family. I wish I could hear his voice one more time, to tell me he was proud of me, or to give me advice when I am feeling lost like I am now. Someone to say the things to reassure me like on a father can for his son.

I have been thinking that maybe writing a letter to my father might be cathartic, but I don’t even know where to start…

I think that is enough of my broken ramblings. Hopefully soon I have something happier to tell you about. Until next time. As always thanks for reading.

Boredom, sleep or the lack their of...

So I have officially been unemployed for a month now. In that time I have discovered a couple things about myself. I could literally sleep all day. And there have been several instances where I have slept until 4 in the afternoon. I am sure part of that is due to the fact that I have sleep apnea. I think that may also be why I haven't felt a creative spark in ages, also why things just seem to be blah lately.

I can say with sleep apnea it is hard to find a comfortable position at night and feel like I actually got a good nights sleep. That is my current objective. Finding insurance of some sort so I can get this taken care of. Be it surgically and or getting the CPAP machine. By the way CPAP stands for Constant Positive Air Pressure. According to my internet research there are a couple types of sleep apnea. The most common is obstructive sleep apniea where for some reason during the night the throat closes stopping the flow of air. the CPAP machine forces air thru your sinuses keeping that airway open.

The other type, Central sleep apnea happens because the brain isn't sending the right breathing signals. Now the interesting thing is there are a few correlations in sleep apnea. For example if like me you are overweight or obese and snore, it is more likely that you will have sleep apnea, which can lead to high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes and obesity. So apparently not getting a good nights sleep, and waking up with a lack of energy can help contribute to making you fat. So yeah, wish me luck with navigating the system of trying to get temporary state funded healthcare.


beyond that things are as they always are. All I can do is maintain and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will try to keep you guys up to date on the job hunt and progress with the sleep apnea. Until next time ladies and gentleman stay well.

The Summer, Travel and New Opportunities.

Hey everybody. There is no excuse for why I haven't updated you on my summer so far.

Lets see....

   Since the last time you all heard from me I got fired from my job. And before you get all empathetic and start feeling bad for me. I was looking for a way out of that job. It had come to the point where I was totally unfulfilled. And Very Unhappy. For example I got pulled into the office by my manager because I made cupcakes and brought them in to give away for people. And was told by my manager that me giving away cupcakes made it look bad because on those days the frozen cupcakes we had didn't sell. So yes, while I miss my co-workers and my regular customers that made my days go by. I am better off somewhere where I am more fulfilled with my job. So yeah as of July 8th I have been jobless.

 With that said the job hunt still continues. I did take a few days off the search to celebrate my 32nd birthday. Yes people I am old. And I am no where near where I thought I would be. And somehow I also allowed myself to fall short of where I planned on being. And to tell the truth it is a little depressing when I reflect on it, which I try not to do often.

But yes for my birthday I took a little trip to Dallas, Texas. Its funny as a fat guy I hate the heat. And all of my friends know that, and they are all wondering why. For those of you who are regular readers, you should be aware that I usually go to Gamesday around the time of my birthday. This year Games Workshop the company that usually hosts Gamesday didn't announce one for North American this year. And unfortunately neither I nor my friend Doug could afford to travel to England to go to Gamesday so we decided to visit the home of Doug's favorite Baseball team The Texas Rangers who make their home in Arlington Texas which is smack between Dallas and Fort Worth. Also home to the Dallas Cowboys, and Six Flags over Texas. And from behind our section you could look out at AT&T field where the cowboys play. The picture below was just after Friday's game ended.

Because Doug is such a Rangers fan we had a tour of the Stadium. So this is the field from the Rangers dugout. Right in the center of the picture is the pitchers mound

And here is a look at where home plate is 

 And below is out view of the game from our seats in the upper deck.

Doug is a really big ranger fan so he got into it 

Although the high point of my vacation, the thing that brought back memories was a stop at Jack in the box before we went to our hotel. Now you have to understand. I live on the East Coast. There hasn't been a Jack in the box here since the 80's. I want to say I remember going to one when I was 5. But the whole issue with E.coli and them back in the day was like 1982 so they may have closed before I would have eaten there. So it has been at least that long since there was a jack in the box here, so needless to say I was excited to actually sit down and have a Jumbo Jack. See it really is the little things that make me happy.

For my Birthday we went to Medieval Times, and yes it is a cool show. I highly suggest that you go if you live near one or vacation in a city with one. GO I promise you will have a good time. 

The really fun portion of the week was at  Six Flags. I am a huge roller coaster fan. Even in my old age I still love to ride a good coaster. And the thrill was even more so because last year at this park a woman died on one of their coasters . The coaster you see in the pictures is not that coaster, The one in the pictures is The Titan an all steal coaster that was beautiful. That drop was awesome. But The Texas Giant is the coaster the lady died on. It is a beautiful wooden coaster. Unfortunately it turns out I am too Fat to ride the coaster. Yes, they are doing the best they can to follow the safety guidelines. Apparently  the safety harnesses need to click three times to be fully locked down. And for me it didn't. So I didn't get to ride The New Texas Giant or the Batman while it was going backwards. I am a little sad, but it gives me a cause to lose some weight.

The other thing i enjoyed about Dallas is how the skyline light up at night. In most of the southern cities I have been in the buildings aren't as tall and they don't light up like that. Even cooler is the night the Rangers won, Reunion Tower displayed the Rangers logo in the team colors. The best picture I have is the one on the bottom taken from the car as I am yelling at Doug to pull to the side of the highway so I can get a good picture. That didn't happen so that's the best I could do.

 All in all, even with the heat being in the 100's the entire time I was there I have to say I enjoyed Dallas and would definitely go back. To check out some more of those rib shacks and BBQ pits.

Thank you all for reading, And hopefully I will be here more until I find some gainful employment.

I want to run away....

I have to say ever since coming back from vacation I have had the overwhelming desire to walk away. To disappear, to just pack my shit and go somewhere. I know its normal I see Facebook posts about it all the time. But I am seriously considering taking up donations and just taking my blog on the road and spend a few months or years working in various places around the country. Along with making new friends and visiting old ones. 

Serious question hopefully I do get a reply from this how much do you think it would take to make this dream a reality? With my reasoning the first the obvious things, I need a vehicle which I don't currently have, on top of that I would need insurance. I would have to sell off most of my things, and put my books, which I am unwilling to sell, into storage. Then things like my cell phone, gas, food, laundry, hotel rooms and any other incidental that could happen like oil changes, flat tires.

I think even with the prospect of working sometimes and eating for free in soup kitchens every now and then as well as sleeping in hostels or crashing on friends couches and in my car some times. I think I would still need at least $40,000 to start with. Is there anyone with some experience who could help me adjust that number accordingly.

 Is this a midlife crisis? Does anyone else get wanderlust in their 30's ? I thought I was susposed to be over this and ready to settle down and grow roots. or is it because I have been rather sedentary in my early adult life that I am feeling the need to go and grow in other ways? Is there a cure that I can help this without needing to pack everything and runaway? 

And on the flip side of that same coin is there anyone down to ride out and do this as a team? 

Pictures, memories and a new browser

 As promised I am here with the pictures from Vancouver. All it took was me downloading a new web browser. I will do my best to caption where the pictures were take and try group them together.

The picture to the right is taken from the sea bus across to North Vancouver in the distance is the Lionswith cloud cover

 To the right is looking up out of the skyride towards the top of Grouse Mountain and another one returning to the base

TO the left and above are pictures of Vancouver in the distance from the Skyride to the top of Grouse Mountain

 Above is a closer picture of the Lions from the skyride

  Above is a picture of the ski trail from the summit of Grouse Mountain. In the background you can see The Eye of the Wind wind turbine

Above and to the right, looking south over Vancouver with Seattle somewhere off in the distance

 To the right. Is a look a Grouse Mountain from where I was staying in Vancouver.

To the left is the skyline of Vancouver from my friends apartment in Vancouver where I stayed during my vacation

 The 3 pictures to the right and one below were taken at English Bay. Its the western end of Downtown. And to me the surprising thing were the Palm trees apparently Vancouver doesn't get as much snow as I was hoping which to me makes this beautiful city less then ideal for me.

 The 3 pictures to the left are on the Ferry over to Vancouver Island. Which is sepreated from Mainland B.C. by the Strait of Georgia and Queen Charlotte Strait, and from Washington by the Juan De Fuca Strait.

 Vanvouver Island is home to B.C.'s Capitol city Victoria. This time I forgot to get pictures of The Parliament

 To the right is Craigdarroch Castle in Victoria. Once home to the Dunsmuir family. It also served as a Military Hospital, and The Victoria Conservatory of Music before becoming the Museum it is today.Also further up the road was the Governor General's residence which also had beautiful gardens.

 Above and to the right is Hatley Castle. Which is now a museum and historical garden on the campus of Royal Roads University. Below these are pictures from the historic Hatley Gardens

To the right is a peacock that was showing off for us as we were leaving Hatley Garden

And the last set pf pictures are from the VanDusen Botanical Garden in Vancouver. I am going to copy and paste some info from Wikipedia about the garden.

VanDusen Botanical Garden is located in the Shaughnessy neighborhood of Vancouver at the North West corner of 37th and Oak Street. The garden is open to the public every day of the year except Christmas. There are admission fees. The Garden covers 22 hectares (55 acres) and displays plants gathered from all over the world.  The garden is managed by the Vancouver Park Board and run by an administrative staff bolstered by approximately 1600 volunteers and 9 full-time gardeners with seasonal interns.

I guess someone thought it would be a good idea to give the Minotaur statue a bunny to hold

As always, Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to ask questions. Be well.